My Mother, Cancer, and a Bit of Wisdom
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My mother was smart and wise and practical. She had the gift of reducing wisdom to a pithy saying that was easy to remember. Her most powerful saying was really a question.
"What good can we make of this?" It was the all-purpose question for every situation.
She lived by it. Mom was diagnosed with lymphoma in the late Sixties. Her doctor put her on some of the first of the chemotherapy treatments.
It was simply awful. Her hair fell out. Her energy was siphoned off to an alternative universe. There were blood transfusions and hospital stays.
She answered her favorite question by keeping a diary of the effects of the chemo. She noted what she ate and how she slept and how she felt. She sent her doctor the notes she took, so he could use them to help others.
The doctors told her she had six months to live. She told them she wasn't done yet. And she told the doctor that there were some things she wouldn't change.
He said, "No alcohol." She refused to give up her evening drink. She refused to give up drinking in social situations. "Cancer's going to kill me," she told me once, "but it won't beat me. I'm going to laugh and enjoy life all the way to the end."
She always had a purpose for living. She had something positive to do every day. And she kept finding reasons to laugh.
The six months eventually stretched out to fourteen years. When she died, she was in the middle of a book, with airline tickets for a trip to Europe in her purse.
About halfway through the fourteen years, she and my dad went to visit friends who lived in Barcelona. They were dining and drinking and talking at about 2 AM, when Glenn, their host, started talking about his motorcycle.
"I've never ridden on a motorcycle," my mother said. Glenn said they could go for a ride in the morning.
"Let's go now," my mother said. "I've got cancer. There's no time to lose!"
And so Glenn set off on his motorcycle in early morning Barcelona with my mom riding pillion. My dad swore that you could track their progress around the city just by listening to my mother's laughter and whoops of joy.
Boss's Bottom Line
No matter what the situation, "What good can we make of this?" is a good place to start.
Wally's Working Supervisor's Support Kit is a collection of information and tools to help working supervisors do a better job. It's based on what Wally's learned in over twenty years of supervisory skills training. Click here to check it out.
Wally, Thanks for sharing the story of your mother whose spirit towards life deserves a salute. "What good can we make of this?" is a great question to live that spirit.
I lost a dear friend recently (only 32 years old) and it was a very stark reminder that there are no guarantees for the future. Long term plans are fine but what we do here and now matters more than anything else.
Thanks again for sharing.
Best,
Tanmay
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Thanks, Tanmay. I'm sorry for your loss. No matter if you die like your friend at 32 or like my wife's grandmother, a month short of her 100th birthday. The challenge is still to live well.
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She sounds like a real pistol, Wally. You have no idea how lucky you were.
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Thanks, Miki. I used to think I knew how lucky I was. But, looking back, I realized that my awareness of the blessing of my mother's life keeps on growing.
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That's a really touching story, Wally, thanks for sharing it. I'm glad your mother was able to get so many happy years out of such a grim prognosis.
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Thanks, Scott. The big lesson for me is that she always got the best she could out of a situation. She was headed for college until the Depression, when my grandfather lost his business. Instead of going to school, she went to work at the five and dime, behind the candy counter. She decided that, as long as she was going to be there, she would become the best candy sales person in the store. And she did. She memorized customer's names and kept notes on their preferences and personal quirks and facts.
She got so good at it, according to my Uncle Jack, her younger brother, that people would ignore the other salesgirls and line up for her to serve them.
And, I just remembered this, while writing the above. Both she and her older brother (my Uncle Pat) separately told me the story of their father telling them that he couldn't send them to college, but they could learn a lot from any job. My mother used the skills she learned at the five and dime candy counter later to entertain at dinner parties and receptions in my father's churches and to become an award-winning copywriter.
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Great story Wally; Your mother and mine would have gotten along well together.
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Thanks, Mel. I sure can't lay claim to having the only inspiring mother. I know your work, so I'm sure she's proud of you.
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Thank you for sharing, it is a good reminder to remember to really live. So often we pass on an opportunity thinking there will be time to do things later...and later does not come. Your Mom grabbed hold of her life and enjoyed it...I hope to live my life more like she did...grabbing every opportunity to live, and always looking for the good!
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Very true, Isabell. I think she tried to get and give the most value she could, no matter where she found herself.
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Wally - Your Mom's message is evident in your work - you do a lot of good here and I'm sure she would be proud. It's true that we should all focus on the good and on living in the now - it's too easy to get lost/frustrated in the daily struggles and forget the great opportunity we have every day to live and enjoy our time here. Thanks for the reminder. All the best - Katy
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Thanks for those kind words, Katy. My mother used to say, "I don't care if you're a ditchdigger, but if you are, I want you to be one with a deep hole and a neat pile of dirt." She thought that work was a noble and enriching thing in itself and that some of life's great joy came from doing your work as well as you could.
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What a wonderful memory and tribute. Another person I want to meet in heaven.
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Thank you, Kirk. I assure you that the tribute cannot hold a candle to the memory.
When you get to heaven, if there's someone briefing St. Peter about your likes and reading from notes on index cards, it will be mom.
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Thanks for sharing this, Wally. Cancer is a brutal disease. When my mother got it she too was told she had about 6 months and that's all she lasted. Still, I'm glad we had that time. I think there is a song called Live Like You Were Dying. Too easy to get caught up in the minutia of daily life and lose the big picture. Only a few things really matter. Thanks! Bret
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Isn't it sad, Bret, that it takes dying to remind us that living well is so important? Thank you for coming by and sharing your experience.
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Thanks for this one, Wally. Especially inspirational right now with my dad's cancer; he has adopted the same approach. It's not only going to be helpful to him but is already positively impacting the people around him.
As your mom might say: Some good is already coming of this.
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Thanks for that reminder, Steve. I think your father was much like my mother in the awareness of the affect that their illness had on others. I remember a time when I was visiting, soon after her diagnosis. My sister and I were talking about how awful cancer and chemotherapy was and how hard it must be for our mother.
She would have none of it. She tapped the table with her index finger and snapped at us: "Stop it! I will not be the cause of gloom in this room!"
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Thanks Wally - what a great way to remember your Mom - and a great lesson for everyone of us - every day!
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Thanks, Skip. I think it's the everyday part that's hard.
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What a terrific post, Wally. As others have said here, your mother gave you an awesome lesson on valuing and loving life, even in the face of such adversity.
Thanks for sharing it!
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Thank you, Christine. She did love life and she loved people, too.
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Hi Wally,
Thank you so much for sharing your mother's story. It is so easy for people to get tunnel vision and sucked into their work and the day to day grind. Stories like this remind us all to keep an eye the bigger picture and the things that truly matter. With an attitude like hers, it is no surprise your mother greatly surpassed her 6 months prognosis. In fact, I believe that if people placed a greater emphasis on their personal happiness and desire to live life to the fullest they would not only be more personally fulfilled but more successful as well. Thank you for sharing your mother's wisdom.
Mackenzie
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Thanks, Mackenzie. My mom remains an inspiration to a lot of people and example of how it's important to identify the important things and live life to the fullest every day. I think it's dangerous, though, to assume that her attitude was the reason for her out-surviving several prognoses. I think attitude is one of many factors, including the accuracy of the prognosis, differences in the ways that different bodies respond to medication, and other things. If we make attitude the only factor, then, in effect we set up a situation where survival is solely the result of individual "attitude" and that leads to judgments that aren't fair or valid. I think my mother's example is wonderful, but I don't want to turn her outcomes into a way to judge others in different circumstances.
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Wally, I am so touched by your mother's beauty and bravery. The rare one or two times I've had a difficult medical procedure, I always try to remember the pioneers who were stalwart enough to try it out for the rest of us.
My best boss ever always encouraged us to ask "What did I learn from this?" whenever we made a mistake. I like your mother's slightly more broadly applicable version.
You are extremely fortunate to have had just such a mother.
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Thanks, Kate. I think one of the real advantages for me was that my mother was not only a wonderful example, but was willing to talk about why and how she did things. It was a joy growing up in a household where ideas and the words that express them were valued.
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Wally, what a heartfelt, touching and inspiring post. Thank you for the glimpses you provided into your mother's zest for life and beautiful spirit. I love her phrase and will run through that my mind when I face adversity. This post has been a powerful reminder to live fully every day.
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You're right, Meredith. That wonderful phrase has constantly directed me toward positive action in situations that could easily have been overwhelming. Thanks for taking time to comment.
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A GREAT place to start, I'd say! After all, What's the point in living if there is no good to be made? LOVED this article. It so mirrors my life experience, including living with my beloved mother-in-law, Raquel through her illness! Looking at what good can come makes you creative, connects you to life, shifts into a productive mode. And, yes, even in business! If you do not see business as part of life...What good are you making of it? Just a HEARTFELT thanks, Wally...your generosity touches the lives of many!
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Thanks for enriching the conversation, Monica. The more I read the comments and ponder the original post, I think more and more that the outward focus is important. Making some good of a situation is good. But making good of it for others is incredible.
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Wally,
Very touching post, thank you for sharing! This was a really good reminder for us all to live our life and make good of what we have. This includes leadership even when times are tough.
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Thank you so much for those kind words.
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Thank you for showing that optimism is the better choice with such a beautiful, uplifting, inspirational, and personal story.
You’re a good man Wally!
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Thanks, Gary. I know my mother would be pleased.
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Beautiful. Thanks for sharing your mother's wisdom with us. Anyone can spout the wisdom or ask the question, but not everyone will make the courageous choices over and over to live by them.
P.S. From what I can see the apple does not fall far from the tree.
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Thanks, Susan. I think what I remember most about that time is that my mother had to make small choices every day about what it meant to enjoy life. No one of those choices was very big, but added together, the result was impressive indeed.
As for apples and trees, I'm content to admire the tree. It's a powerful example.
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