A Secret No One Tells New Managers
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The Merriam-Webster dictionary lists two meanings for "confrontation." There are "a face-to-face meeting" and "the clashing of forces or ideas." Both are part of being a boss, but hardly anyone tells that to a new manager in advance.
You could say that managing others is the art of "controlled confrontation." If you want to succeed as a boss, you must learn to do it well.
Part of your job is accomplishing the mission through your team. Sometimes that means asking your people to do things they'd rather not do. Sometimes it means getting them to stop doing things that affect team performance.
You do most of that face-to-face. You need to communicate how things should be done and why it matters. Your team members may have different ideas. That's where confrontation happens.
Part of your job is to care for your people. That means helping them succeed which often involves getting them to do things differently. Confrontation can happen there as well, even if you're trying to help.
The bottom line is that being a boss requires you to get people to change their behavior or improve their performance. Since nobody likes to be told that what they're doing is wrong, confrontation will be an inevitable part of your job.
No one I know relishes confrontation. For more than three decades, I've asked participants in my classes what part of the job they hate most. "Talking to team members about poor performance" is always at the top of the list.
It's necessary, though. Confrontation is often where growth and change begin.
Not just any confrontation will do. Controlled confrontation is what you're after. Here's how to handle confrontation effectively.
Lots of small corrections make confrontation easier. Don't ask your people to make huge changes. Don't surprise them by telling them that what they've been doing for weeks or months is wrong.
Small course corrections increase your odds of success. The easier you make it for your team members to do what you want, the more likely they are to do it.
Limit your confrontations to a single issue. That helps you and your team member focus.
Do it privately. No one likes to be embarrassed by being corrected in front of their co-workers.
Adapt your behavior to your team member. You can set some people at ease with small-talk. But that makes others nervous and uncomfortable. They want you to get right to the reason you're having a chat.
Start with the facts. Just the facts. Drain away the adjectives and describe the behavior or performance in neutral language. This should only take a few seconds.
Move right on to describing the impact of the performance or behavior that you want to change. Describe the impact in logical and emotional terms.
Logical is something like: "When you come in late, we have to have someone else cover the phones. That's means their work isn't getting done."
Emotional is different. It's how you or someone else feels about the behavior or performance. Example: "When I have to re-arrange assignments at the last minute, I get angry."
Once you're done with the facts and the impact, stop. Be quiet. Don't say anything more. Shut up. It's your subordinate's turn to talk.
Wait for him or her to respond. Wait for as long as it takes. Wait and wait and wait, no matter how uncomfortable you get.
When you do that, what will most often happen next is that you'll be discussing issues with your team member. You may find out that you have the facts wrong. You may discover circumstances you weren't aware of. You may be able to move on to how things will be different.
Be sure to agree on what will change and when. Be clear about how it will be measured.
Boss's Bottom Line
Controlled confrontation is a key part of being a boss. Following the advice outlined here will improve your odds of successful controlled confrontation. Your objective is for your team member to leave your meeting thinking about what will change and not how you treated them.
This post is based on material in the Working Supervisor's Support Kit.
Wally's Working Supervisor's Support Kit is a collection of information and tools to help working supervisors do a better job. It's based on what Wally's learned in over twenty years of supervisory skills training. Click here to check it out.
Categories: Supervision, Management, Performance Management
Tags: Supervision Performance Management Management
Love it, Wally. The other secret is that you should be prepared to separate yourself from the mass of others once you begin to practice caring and confrontation. Folks just don't like it, but that's their problem, not yours. It should always bother you that people don't like the confrontation, but it does not always have to matter. Go home, look in the mirror, and then sleep soundly knowing you did your best to do the right thing.
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Good points, Bret. I liked how you linked "caring and confrontation." They really do go hand in hand.
The real secret here is that if you do lots of small confrontations, you avoid most of the giant, messy, blow-up-in-your-face confrontations.
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I think that a similiar method to avoid giant confrontations is scrums and meetings. I like scrums because they're quick and it gets everyone on the same page. The fact that you meet face-to-face with eachother holds everyone accountable for reporting what they've accomplished daily. Meetings on the other hand are longer and involves discussions to resolve ideas between teammates. I think with the right balance of meetings and scrums that confrontations wouldn't be as necessary because like you said, people don't like confrontation.
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Thanks for that insight, Richard. My experience is that scrum can have the effect you mention because of amount of communication that's encouraged. I haven't seen the same thing for meetings.
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Excellent information for someone like me that has a shortfall in these kind of situations.
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Thanks for adding your voice to the conversation, Ralph.
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These are great points for managers to take note of in how to deal with managing confrontations. I think the point you make about making the time to stop and listen to how your employee responds to the criticism is especially important, even though it may be hardest one to do.
Making time to pay attention to how your message is being received, as opposed to simply resorting to a drive-by criticism, allows your employee to be a part of the process of addressing what's at issue. Confrontations will inevitably draw some emotions into the fray; but taking that extra time to listen to their concerns is what will help them become active participants in making the change or even coming up with a better approach to resolve the issue.
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You're right about it being the hardest part, Tanveer. It's especially hard for people like me who have this powerful urge to jump in quickly and fill the air time. I've found that if I can manage it, things are far more likely to turn out well. Thanks for adding to the discussion.
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This is probably the toughest part of management for an introverted leader. These things you mentioned are great for helping those like that move past their fear of confrontation & be the great manager they want to be.
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Thanks, Gina. I'm glad that you'll be able to use the ideas. Introverts and extroverts have different challenges with this. As you suggest, many introverts find any confrontation uncomfortable and avoid it altogether. Or, sometimes an introvert will rush through the meeting just to have it done.
The extroverts have a different challenge. Many of them use their skills of persuasion to gain agreement, instead of having a conversation.
No matter who you are, being a good boss means doing some things that are uncomfortable. You're more likely to do them if you understand why they're important and if you have an idea of specific steps you can take.
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Wally, I have always defined confrontation as “the clash of titans“. Therefore, I hate confrontation and have been accused, rightfully so, of avoiding it. But I don’t avoid it, I just choose to be calm, controlled and hear out the other side of the issue to work towards change. And do those small corrections as a confrontation avoidance mechanism because I do hate those times I have to engage in “the clash of forces.” I sure wish I’d had this great advise as a new manager instead developing it as a result of bruises from those clashes.
I'll have to work on the other items in your great advice.
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Thanks, Ann. I didn't know about the power of small corrections and frequent conversations when I started out, either. It sure wasn't in any of the books. We know it now because of all those great supervisors in my classes and who let me work with them that shared what worked for them. So now it's our job to keep passing it on.
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Wally,
I'm in the middle of an "Influencing With Integrity" training for 10 up and coming managers in a regional accounting firm, and this week's class is on how to have "Confrontation Without Confllct." So, your post is timely and I will share it with my students.
I think the "clash of forces" definition is often our default thinking, meaning that it is going to lead to a "conflict."
I've found many leaders/managers apply an "avoid and tolerate" style in addressing issues that need to be addressed, so both the change being asked for and the emotions tied to the behaviors have grown to proportions that cause the discussion to be more than it really needed to be if it were addressed in a timely manner.
Not addressing issues in a timely manner is 1 of the 7 Deadliest Sins of Leadership Communication I've identified - if anyone wants to read more about them, they can download the free report at www.HowToImproveLeadershipCommunication.com
Skip
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I think you're right about the definition, Skip. If we believe that confrontation will lead to conflict, then conflict becomes far more likely. As a corollary, if you believe that any confrontation leads to conflict, the confrontation becomes scarier and more likely to be avoided. I love the title of your program, too, "Confrontation without Conflict."
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Thanks for the valuable inputs. Whether one likes it or not, one needs to confront as part of the job and controlled confrontation is the way to move forward. However, one needs to be prepared to give and receive with an open mind and open heart.
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You're right about that. Giving and receiving are part of it. The ultimate goal of the confrontation is to lead to change, through conversation.
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Very good advice. Clear and direct. Facts and impacts are far too often ignored or confused. And failures of interventions often lead managers to avoid them - instead of doing their job to make the system work better.
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I agree with everything you said, John, but I would add that those managers often receive no training in the importance or the methods of confrontation. That will make failure likely and recurring.
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Very good information. I have had the pleasure of a boss criticizing multiple points about my performance in front of multiple people. Double whammy. It turned out to be very overwhelming and extremely embarrassing. The experience was not very motivating.
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Thanks for sharing that, Jeffrey. That's an incredibly common experience that could be far less common if we did a better job of training supervisors. Even a single "awareness" exercise in training can have a huge impact.
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Wally
I found this article linked in to your response regarding the messages about attitude. Reading these articles and responses has given me insight into my behavior and also of managers and workers. I appreciate you posting this pertinent advice and having the dialogue with your readers. Thank you!
Terry
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Thanks, Terry. I try to post things that are helpful. I hope it works for you.
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I loved "shut up" - great advice for all of us. The most important communication skill is listening - especially in confrontation situations. Great post!
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Thanks, Dick. Listening is important all the time, but it's especially important when you've just told a team member about your perception of an important issue.
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